Last updated on July 12th, 2023 at 11:34 pm
How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead
Rating
3/5
Date Started
10-2-2022
Date Completed
10-9-2022
Five Powerful Quotes from the Book
Quote 1
“I define vulnerability as uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.
“Here’s the definition of shame that emerged from my research: ‘Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.’ People often want to believe that shame is reserved for people who have survived an unspeakable trauma, but this is not true. Shame is something we all experience. And while it feels as if shame hides in our darkest corners, it actually tends to lurk in all of the familiar places.
“I share the definition of love that I developed based on my data – here it is: we cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness, and affection. Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow. A connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them. We can only love others as much as we love ourselves. Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed, and rare.
“Here are the definitions of connection and belonging that emerged from the data. Connection: ‘Connection is the energy that is created between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued. When they can give and receive without judgment.’ Belonging: ‘Belonging is the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us. Because this yearning is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and by seeking approval, which are not only hollow substitutes for belonging, but often barriers to it. Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self acceptance.'”
Pithy Summary
Quote 2
“Actually, I learned the most about gratitude practices, and the relationship between scarcity and joy that plays out in vulnerability, from the men and women who had experienced some of the most profound losses or survived the greatest traumas. These included parents whose children had died, family members with terminally ill loved ones, and genecide and trauma survivors.
“One of the questions I’m most often asked is: ‘Don’t you get really depressed talking to people about vulnerability and hearing about people’s darkest struggles?’ My answer is: ‘No, never.’ That’s because I’ve learned more about worthiness, resilience, and joy from those people who courageously shared their struggles with me than from any other part of my work.
“And nothing has been a greater gift to me than the three lessons I learned about joy and life from people who have spent time in sorrow and darkness:
- “Joy comes to us in moments, ordinary moments. We risk missing out on joy when we get too busy chasing down the extraordinary. Scarcity culture may keep us afraid of living small, ordinary lives; but when you talk to people who have survived great losses, it is clear that joy is not a constant. Without exception, all the participants who spoke to me about their losses, and what they missed the most, spoke about ordinary moments.
- “Be grateful for what you have. When I asked people who had survived tragedy how we can cultivate and show more compassion for people who are suffering, the answer was always the same: ‘Don’t shrink away from the joy of your child because I’ve lost mine; don’t take what you have for granted; celebrate it; don’t apologize for what you have; be grateful for it and share your gratitude with others… When you honor what you have, you’re honoring what I’ve lost.’
- “Don’t squander joy. We can’t prepare for tragedy and loss. When we turn every opportunity to feel joy into a test drive for despair, we actually diminish our resilience. Yes, softening into joy is uncomfortable. Yes, it’s scary. Yes, it’s vulnerable. But every time we allow ourselves to lean into joy and give into those moments, we build resilience and we cultivate hope. The joy becomes part of who we are. And when bad things happen, and they do happen, we are stronger.”
Pithy Summary
Quote 3
“In my experience, I can tell a lot about the culture and values of a group, family, or organization, by asking these ten questions:
- “What behaviors are rewarded? Punished?
- “Where, and how, are people actually spending their resources? (time, money, attention)
- “What rules and expectations are followed, enforced, and ignored?
- “Do people feel safe and supported talking about how they feel, and asking for what they need?
- “What are the sacred cows? Who is most likely to tip them? Who stands the cows back up?
- “What stories are legend, and what values do they convey?
- “What happens when someone fails, disappoints, or makes a mistake?
- “How is vulnerability, uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure perceived?
- “How prevalent are shame and blame, and how are they showing up?
- “What’s the collective tolerance for discomfort? Is the discomfort of learning, trying new things, and giving and receiving feedback normalized? Or is there a high premium put on comfort? And how does that look?”
Pithy Summary
Quote 4
“Daring Greatly Leadership Manifesto: We want to show up, we want to learn and we want to inspire.
“We are hardwired for connection, curiosity, and engagement.
“We crave purpose, and we have a deep desire to create and contribute. We want to take risks, embrace our vulnerabilities, and be courageous.
“When learning and working are dehumanized – when you no longer see us and no longer encourage our daring, or when you only see what we produce or how we perform – we disengage and turn away from the very things that the world needs from us: our talent, our ideas, and our passion.
“What we ask is that you engage with us, show up beside us, and learn from us.
“Feedback is a function of respect; when you don’t have honest conversations with us about our strengths and our opportunities for growth, we question our contributions and your commitment.
“Above all else, we ask that you show up, let yourself be seen, and be courageous. Dare greatly with us.”
Pithy Summary
Quote 5
“The Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto: Above all else, I want you to know that you are loved and lovable. You will learn this from my words and actions – the lessons on love are in how I treat you and how I treat myself.
“I want you to engage with the world from a place of worthiness. You will learn that you are worthy of love, belonging, and joy every time you see me practice self-compassion and embrace my own imperfections.
“We will practice courage in our family by showing up, letting ourselves be seen, and honoring vulnerability. We will share our stories of struggle and strength. There will always be room in our home for both.
“We will teach you compassion by practicing compassion with ourselves first; then with each other. We will set and respect boundaries; we will honor hard work, hope, and perseverance. Rest and play will be family values, as well as family practices.
“You will learn accountability and respect by watching me make mistakes and make amends, and by watching how I ask for what I need and talk about how I feel.
“I want you to know joy, so together we will practice gratitude.
“I want you to feel joy, so together we will learn how to be vulnerable.
“When uncertainty and scarcity visit, you will be able to draw
from the spirit that is a part of our everyday life.
“Together we will cry and face fear and grief. I will want to take away your pain,
but instead I will sit with you and teach you how to feel it.
“We will laugh and sing and dance and create. We will always have permission
to be ourselves with each other. No matter what, you will always belong here.
“As you begin your Wholehearted journey, the greatest gift that I can give
to you is to live and love with my whole heart and to dare greatly.
“I will not teach or love or show you anything perfectly, but I will let you see me, and I will always hold sacred the gift of seeing you. Truly deeply seeing you.”
Pithy Summary
About the Book
Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead – “Every day we experience the uncertainty, risks, and emotional exposure that define what it means to be vulnerable or to dare greatly. Based on twelve years of pioneering research, Brené Brown PhD, MSW, dispels the cultural myth that vulnerability is weakness and argues that it is, in truth, our most accurate measure of courage… Daring Greatly is not about winning or losing. It’s about courage. In a world where “never enough” dominates and feeling afraid has become second nature, vulnerability is subversive. Uncomfortable. It’s even a little dangerous at times. And, without question, putting ourselves out there means there’s a far greater risk of getting criticized or feeling hurt. But when we step back and examine our lives, we will find that nothing is as uncomfortable, dangerous, and hurtful as standing on the outside of our lives looking in and wondering what it would be like if we had the courage to step into the arena—whether it’s a new relationship, an important meeting, the creative process, or a difficult family conversation. Daring Greatly is a practice and a powerful new vision for letting ourselves be seen.”
About the Author
Brené Brown – “The official line: I’m a research professor at the University of Houston, where I hold the Huffington Foundation Endowed Chair. I am also a visiting professor in management at the University of Texas at Austin McCombs School of Business. I’ve spent the past two decades studying courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy. I’m the author of six #1 New York Times bestsellers, and I’m the host of the original podcasts Unlocking Us and Dare to Lead.”
Additional Resources
Tags
Family & Relationships | Nonfiction | Self-Improvement